presents

     Last year I shopped black Friday online. I cleaned up after Thanksgiving dinner, put the bigger boys to bed and with Sterling in my arms began my search for deals. Its a memory I love. He was so heavy as I tried to type but each time I would lay him down he would wake up crying out for me. I, being completely wrapped around his little finger, hated seeing or hearing him upset so I would pick him up and continue on. I was so proud of all the great deals I got that night.

     Sterling stopped breathing less than a week later. I was numb. I was in shock. I thought at any moment I would wake up from this nightmare and Sterling would be here in my arms again. Yet each day there was something I needed to do. I had to find a funeral home. I had to make arrangements. I had to decide things that no parent ever thinks about. I had to make these decisions while feeling completely and utterly gutted. Yes, I felt like someone took a knife and just gutted me like a fish. I felt raw, it was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. And my words are not even describing it well enough.

     Then the boxes started coming. The boxes full of presents for my boys. I remember opening each box and pulling out all the clothes and toys that I had bought for Sterling. Each item I had envisioned seeing Sterling wearing or playing with. Now they were reminders that Sterling was gone. I had even bought each boy a coordinating sweater for family pictures. Now those would be the outfits that they would wear for Sterling's visitation and memorial. There would be no pictures taken at either one. I wish now I had, but that's another post.

     I quickly put all Sterling's Christmas presents in a closet. Out of sight. People had suggested last year that I find a child his age in need and donate them. Someone even asked if  I wanted them to return the items to the store for me. Both options completely freaked me out. Even though Sterling never wore or played with any of it, I had bought all of it for him.

    This year I think the boys and I are going to find someone special to give the toys to. I bought them  to bring a smile to Sterling's face, to my face. Instead when I look at them they are a reminder that he is no longer here the way I want him to be. Who knows, I may even find some things that I think a two year old Sterling would love and give them to another two year boy in need. Maybe this year Sterling will bring joy to a few children? Maybe in doing so his brothers and I will find a little too?