No Coincidences...

         Sterling would have been 2 on the October 13. His first birthday in Heaven. I wasn't sure how I would feel on this day. I had heard the days leading up to a special date are much worse than the actual date. But I had no idea. Over the last 10 months I have felt emotions that have scared me and knocked me to my knees begging God to just please take me home! I have been in excruciating pain and had anger so strong it scared me. So how would I feel on the day my sweet baby boy was born? Could I celebrate the 13 months 2 weeks and 6 days we were blessed to have him? Or would I be once again knocked to my knees in agony because he isn't here?

          Well since Sterling died I have gone back to things that have brought me joy. I had so much joy in my time with Sterling but after he died even going upstairs and sleeping in my own bed and seeing his empty crib was something I couldn't do. I actually slept on an air mattress on my living room floor for over a month. I would send others upstairs to get what I needed. Somehow just seeing his things exactly as they had been that morning, it made it real. And I lived in denial for months. I would literally tell myself he was napping or he was with his Grammy or his sissy or whatever I had to tell myself so I could care for Sterling's brothers. At night, when everyone was asleep, during what was always our special snuggle time, that's when slowly the reality that Sterling was never coming home began to sink in. That's when I would beg God, that he being God He could do anything, and through my tears and sobbing I would beg Him to please give him back. Just let us have him back now. Slowly I began watching television shows that I loved again. And even if it was just for an hour everyday I could escape my excruciating pain for that hour. I started with a show that I have watched since I was 15, General Hospital.

         Now back to coincidences. Facebook and Twitter connected me to people who either helped me with my grieving process or helped me escape it every now and then. On Twitter I met some awesome GH fans who shared my love of the soap. I also would randomly tweet to the actors/actresses and was absolutely amazed that they would occasionally tweet me back or favorite my comment. Through doing this I heard about some GH actresses coming to Chicago on, wait for it, Sterling's 2nd birthday! Wow! I had gone to events before but always in California and had stopped once I had the boys as it was too difficult to find people I trusted to watch them and I actually never really left them for more than a day so there was just no way I was going to leave my boys behind. I honestly never missed it as I so enjoyed being a mom and unless I could bring them rarely did anything. I went back and forth on it but had a dream one night and woke up feeling like Sterling was telling me it was ok to have fun again, it was ok to leave his brothers with a responsible adult and go have fun again. So I bought the ticket.

         Driving in to Chicago I cried so much at times I thought I may have to pull over. But I went on as I talked to God and to Sterling. I can only imagine what other drivers thought! I found out I won a coffee date with the amazing Jen Lilley! So excited! Not that the character she played on GH was a favorite but I enjoyed watching Jen play her anyway. And as I learned more about this actress I saw that she has Faith, she gives back, she seemed like a genuinely great woman. As I read about her I remember thinking "This is an amazing woman, I hope to meet her one day." Now here it was October 13th the day Sterling came into this world. And I was actually going to be able to go to meet her. Was this simply a coincidence?

        There are no coincidences. Not only Jen but everyone from that day was great! So nice. Looked at Sterling's picture. As any grieving parent knows we love it so much when others acknowledge our children no longer on this earth. The day was a blur of fun. Driving home I realized that this was another gift from Sterling. I never would have gone if he was alive, I was having too much fun with my five boys! And while I would give back every positive thing that has come from his death (new friends, new travels, a fun fan day in Chicago) to just have one more minute with him, I am choosing, right here, right now to embrace my new life. Let it lead me. I may even have joy again from time to time:)