Being heard

     From the moment I handed my baby's body over to a coroner and returned home to my children without him I have been afraid. I had no idea why Sterling stopped breathing that day. He seemed to be teething, maybe getting a tummy bug. Nothing that should have caused death.

     So I not only was trying to wrap my mind around the fact that Sterling was never coming home again and what that really meant. But I was also faced with the knowledge that without a cause of death there was no way to protect my other children from the same fate. And illness found us right away and dug its heels in. Bouncing from one person to the next. Terrifying doesn't even begin to describe how I felt.

     Then came the knowledge that Sterling had congenital heart defects. When I began researching I realized that his brothers were at risk. Their little hearts could be filled with defects. They could appear healthy until one day they would just stop breathing. I wanted them checked out. But our doctor thought I was just paranoid and didn't think testing was necessary.

     I am not sure if I can explain what its like to see your child vomit  at the gym (this is exactly what Sterling did one hour before he stopped breathing) and on the drive home he falls asleep. In my morror I see his little head fall forward and I can't breathe. I yell his name. No answer. I ask my oldest son to check to be sure he is breathing. My ten year old son knows how to do this now. My four year old does too. He is breathing. And I try really hard not to cry. This is my life now. This is my children's life now.

     I called a doctor today who agreed to help me and the boys. He will look over Sterling's autopsy results. He will order testing for the boys. He understands my fears. He realizes that Sterling seemed so healthy too. This doctor doesn't treat me like I am crazy. He is actually going to help me. And the weight lifted today. Knowledge is power. Knowing that my boys have healthy hearts or even finding out they don't....either way knowing what we are up against is better than not knowing anything at all.