Hindsight is 20/20

     Sterling was a happy baby. He rarely fussed. I held him often and believe in attachment parenting. For us that meant that Sterling often napped in my arms or his Grammy's arms. He spent lots of time on my hip or riding in his Ergo carrier right on my chest. I made sure his bottles were waiting for him so he could be fed as soon as he let me know he was hungry. He was talked with and played with and doted on by me and his Grammy and his sissy and his bubbas. He smiled often and laughed often. He rarely cried.

     I have no idea if that is why Sterling lived for as long as he did with the defects he had. I would love to believe it though. He looked so chubby and healthy. He did however have some signs, I had no idea then but I know now. Sterling liked to sleep. I thought I got lucky. He did wake up to eat at night as a tiny baby but by 3 or 4 months was sleeping 6-8 hours at night.

     At a year old and up until he died at 13 1/2 months old he was sleeping 8-10 hours at night and still doing a morning nap and an afternoon nap. If we went anywhere in the car he was out within minutes. He would play and crawl but he wasn't walking yet and showed no real interest, he did cruise the furniture though. I remember thinking if he was still sleeping so much I would bring it up at his 15 month check up. I also remember he wouldn't hold his bottle. I didn't know if it was a delay or he just didn't want to. I enjoyed our bonding time with his bottles and thought he probably did too. I wonder now if he just didn't have the energy to hold his bottle and drink at the same time?

     Sterling had several respiratory issues and he took twice as long as everyone else to recover from a cold or illness. It worried me but with his prenatal history it wasn't uncommon. His brothers were the same and usually by the second and third years it got better for them.

     The more I learn the more I see opportunities where we could have done testing. Maybe Sterling would still be here, maybe not. But we would have known what we were up against. I fully believe that his prenatal history played a role in all of this. Both from missed prenatal scans to check his heart and in the fact that his respiratory symptoms could be explained by his history. I fully believe that for babies like Sterling, with similar prenatal history, there should be better screenings. I hope that one day all babies like Sterling can have a better fighting start at life.