I asked...

     I am embarking on a journey this year. It is one that I am not used to. Yet this last 14 months have made me a different person. I used to do for others to the point that I neglected myself. I had gained a crazy amount of weight and was used to not really having energy. I was so in love with my kids that I thought it was ok to neglect me. I can't believe how wrong I was.

     When Sterling stopped breathing that day I had laid him down to rest with my mom watching him, I usually either held him while he slept or my mom did. That day I was going to get myself some lunch and prepare snacks and get things ready for the afternoon when everyone got up and the big kids came home from school. I never did get that lunch. Instead I would be doing CPR on my baby, screaming frantically for help and riding in an ambulance waiting desperately to hear my baby's cries.

     I never did get to hear my baby's voice. Instead I sat vigil at his bedside, holding him, praying over him, begging for his healing. I couldn't eat, barely drank. Two days in the PICU with nothing but water maybe a bite here or there but I was so in shock that eating made me want to vomit. The next few weeks were the same. I know people brought food, thank God they did! My family had food because all I could do was try to understand Sterling was never coming home.

     Then the illness began. Strep. Lovely strep that found us, heart broken and decided it would stay and make its rounds. I lost about 20 pounds in the first two weeks after Sterling died. People would tell me how great I looked, I would look at them and smile and say thank you. Inside I would scream "you just don't get it!! I would gain another 100 pounds if I could just have my baby back!!!" I would spend the next year going back and forth in my grief. So I would eat for a while then I would get flashbacks of those days and be unable to eat. After the first 8 or so months I had lost 43 pounds total.

     The boys and I joined the gym and I began walking. Without the extra weight I was able to walk 3 miles a day. By doing that I was getting stronger and had energy and I began running, racing my boys in parking lots or down our street. They loved it! I loved it! They finally had a mom who could run and play with them. They absolutely love that I can do this with them now.

      That's when I realized that is another gift from Sterling. His death has taken so much from our family but the gifts he has also given are slowly making us better. So this year I decided that I will try my hardest to lose another 43 pounds. This time on purpose. This time to honor Sterling. When I am racing his brothers I feel him with us. I feel him laughing. I FEEL him!! When I am working out and I think I look like a fool doing Zumba or I am not as great as others on the treadmill or in the training room, I FEEL my Sterling! I feel him with me, I feel encouraged by him to get healthy for his brothers, for ME!

      I will take this gift from Sterling and I will make a change with me. I hope it will trickle down to my boys. Then I hope to work on helping others in Sterling's name. I feel so called to find a way to help other babies like Sterling to get the proper testing so that their families don't have to live the hell we have lived. Always and forever sweet boy.