Diaper Bag

     I have tried many times over the last 14 months to clean out and put away sterling's diaper bag. It served as my purse for the 13 months 2 weeks and 6 days Sterling was living in his earthly body. I am beginning to open it and its like a time capsule. Receipts dated no later than November 2011. Except for one that was dated 12/8/11 and its filled with clothing bought for Sterling's bubbas and I to wear to his visitation and memorial.

     The bag is covered in a layer of dust. In the big compartment is his blanket. It first belonged to his big brother and was passed down. Its also the blanket that I draped around my shoulders while in the PICU. Under that is his cute little Hanna Anderson jammies he was wearing that day. His pacifier is still attached. I can still smell where he threw up and got some on him. Gross, I know, but its my baby. Everything else had been washed by his big sister because she, like all of us, was so sure he would be coming home. So she wanted to help me by having everything clean and ready. I want so bad to be angry about it but I can't, her heart was in the right place when she did it.

      Then comes all the little stuff. His bottle filled with water, his powdered formula dispenser with three compartments filled and ready for a bottle. Extra pacifiers. A comb. Lotions. Hand sanitizer. A lone sock, his feet were still so tiny. Papers from when we went to Shedd Aquarium for his first birthday. His little hat from Brookfield Zoo. One of his spoons. Crayons and paper for the big boys. A time capsule from when I was more organized. His bag shows all the stuff we used to do, all the places we went.

      I can still smell him on those jammies. My 6 year old just quietly saw what I was doing and he came over, no words spoken and he gently touched the jammies and drank in a big smell too. "I can still smell Sterling....I miss him so much...."  A few tears and now I will take pictures and document and throw away most of the papers. I will place his personal things back in the bag. Wipe off the dust and put it safely in a bin with the rest of his things.

      I miss him. I just wish for one more hug, one more kiss one more anything with him. Always and forever sweet boy.