Cleaning....

     I decided to clean my house today. Part of me is ready to really clean again like I used to. The other push is that my license renewal is coming up and with that comes a home inspection. No, my house isn't that bad. But its amazing what piles up over 14 months when you are healing from the death of your son. I have cleaned over the last 14 months. I have put most of Sterling's things carefully away for when I am ready to look at them.

     I have tried a few times to pull out Sterling's clothes and toys and hold them and remember him. Problem is I never get very far. One or two shirts in and I am in tears. Sobbing, hard, ugly tears. I know my son was and continues to be a beautiful gift. I know I am a better person for having had him in my life then if I had never had him at all. I know we will do great things in his honor. But when I am holding his little "greatest little brother" tee in my hands all I can think is how much I wish his chubby little self was in the tee. All I can think is that my baby was stolen from us. All I can think is that I want him back. Then I get cold, begin shaking and the tears and moans.

     Today while cleaning the kitchen I came across a bottle and bib and little baby bottle cooler that we used for day trips. I thought I had put all his stuff from the kitchen away. But here were little reminders of Sterling tucked on shelves under things we rarely use. I loved finding these things. It brought me a smile. It felt good and I felt great cleaning and organizing my kitchen the way it used to be.

    Then I took a break. Went to Target. Took the boys out for dinner. Came home and thought "why not tackle the dinning room?" That's when I found a brand new pacifier, never used. Then came a little pair of Nike's and a pair of Puma's. These things Sterling never used. These things bring tears. He would be too big for them now. I know this. I should be packing them up to give them to a friend. Instead I am cleaning off the dust and wondering if I should keep something he never used? I have a bunch of brand new Gymboree clothes I bought him for Christmas that came on the day I was at the funeral home making arrangements for his funeral. One of those outfits he wore for his visitation. "Mommy's Little Cub" imprinted on the onesie.

     Today I cleaned. Today I threw away some things that just a few months ago I couldn't. I hated cleaning because I knew with every wipe of the dust I was wiping away Sterling. That dust was here with him. Those things were here with him, I may have even bought it with him. Up until today I didn't want anything to change in this house. Today I decided that we could change things. We could even let things go. Those things are not Sterling. They never were and they never will be. Sterling is an amazing little love who will never be erased from our lives. Even if everything changes, and I know it will over time, Sterling was and is and forever will be love. He will always be a part of us. Always.