Hitting a wall here....

     I hurt my ankle last week while working out at a boot camp in the park. It has forced me to slow down and accept help again. Both of these things are what I had to do when Sterling died. Only at that time I was in such excruciating pain that I just went through the motions.

     This time, while in some pain, the pain of my ankle is no where comparable to the pain I felt with Sterling. In fact most things that are painful really don't slow me down the way they used to. But when its your ankle and that is what you need to walk....well I was forced to slow down a bit. Which forced me to again deal with some grief.

     I was told early on by a professional that because I still have 4 small children to care for my grieving will be done in shifts. I will grieve then have to care for kids and then come back to the grief again. This will prolong the process but its necessary. I have worked hard these last 18 months to make time for my grief. I know if I don't it will hit me when I least expect it, usually when we are out and around a lot of people.

     My exercise has been a great release of built up grief. For me that is a mix of anger, sadness and guilt. So exercising releases that and allows me to still feel the sadness without so much of the anger. Its been a wonderful thing for me. Until I hurt my ankle. I am not able to push my physical body to the level I was before. Which is not really getting the anger out.

     I have been miserable. I have had to find other ways of releasing it. For me that just isn't as good. Today it just all slammed into me. Once again I feel trapped and helpless. The same feelings I felt from the first moment I picked Sterling's lifeless body up and laid him down to do CPR. The same feelings I felt in the PICU and for weeks after. I hate it. And for those who just don't understand it they think I am being "whiny" or just need to get over it.

     My working out has given me back some control. Not being able to work out is making me feel like I have lost that yet again. I know I will heal. I know I can start again. I know. I know. I know. But in the meantime I am sitting with these feelings and I hate every single second of it. I wonder if I will ever learn to let go of things and just be? Obviously its a lesson I need to learn....

     The boys and I had a wonderful summer day. Part lazy and part fun. A perfect summer mix. A few years ago I would have fallen fast asleep by now. No worries. Just a lovely end to a lovely day. Tonight I am exhausted and yet I sit awake thinking about things I wish I didn't know.

     Tonight driving home my daughter asks me how something can be here one moment and gone the next. She wants to know how in just an instant someone can be gone forever from this world. I tell her I struggle with those questions everyday.

     She and I can still so vividly see Sterling the night before. He was playing and smiling and waved bye bye to his sister as she left. In an instant he was gone. She and I both struggle with that. In an instant everything can change so drastically. How do we live each day fully knowing in an instant it can be over?

One day I hope others understand this.....

     There are little gifts in grief. I always see them as Sterling's everlasting love. One of the big ones is that I have some small glimpses of myself through his eyes. In my son's eyes I was superwoman. I was the funniest, smartest, greatest, bestest Mommy ever. Through his eyes I can see that I deserve to be loved. Period.

     This has caused some issues with family members who were used to me doing whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it. This "new" woman (and I say that loosely because she was always there waiting to be discovered) doesn't allow others to dictate her life anymore. I still believe in helping others as much as I can but I won't completely ignore my own needs anymore.

     I was just told that my working out was not as important as someones job. I was told that I should be able to skip days of working out in order to help this other person out. I was told that her job was more important. I beg to differ.

     Yes its true I don't get paid for working out (although that would SO rock!!). I actually PAY someone else for the privilege of using their facility and I also PAY someone to keep me on track.

     BUT, and this is a BIG one here! I FEEL so much better working out. Grief takes a huge toll on ones body. I know its been 18 months and some people think I should be back to the old me already. But that old me? She is gone! She died with Sterling. What was left was a body that felt gutted and in physical, excruciating pain. Every. Single. Day. I was weak. I was broken.

     What working out has done for me is simple yet complex all at once. It has given me strength. Strength to face my grief. Strength to not only survive again but thrive! I don't feel gutted anymore. When I am having a grief burst I can ride them out because I know it is necessary and I am strong enough. I know I will come out of it stronger.

     Working out is an amazing thing for this grieving parent. When I don't do it I feel it everywhere, physically and mentally. My counselors have seen a change in me. My friends have seen a change in me. Its a gift that Sterling has given me. I deserve to be happy again. I will help others out but not the way I used to.

     So if you think you are going to come and tell me that I am "addicted" or that my working out is "unhealthy" I ask you to remember back to those days and months before I started working out. I weighed 60 pounds more than I do now. I was tired. Shame on anyone who dares tell another person that something they are doing that not only makes them happy but healthy is wrong.

     

    

A dream? Or a visit from my sweet boy?

     Yesterday as I was shopping alone looking for an outfit for a ladies night out I began feeling this sadness. I was in the van alone and as you may know I use that time to talk out loud to Sterling. I told him that I just wish I was staying home with five boys. I want that more than anything. I told him I was scared that he was forgetting me. I asked him if that was even possible.

     I came home got ready and went out for a ladies night. I had fun. I was glad I went. Sometime in the morning after I had woken up and went back to sleep I had a dream. It was so vivid. So real.

     In this dream I was driving and saw Sterling in someone else's car. I followed them to their house. They took Sterling, who was sleeping, into their house. I asked them if that was him. They got upset and wouldn't let me near him. So I told the boys to make a diversion and I broke into their house and found him in a crib sitting up. He was still the one year old I knew and loved. When he saw me his face lit up! He squealed and smiled and I immediately picked him up and told him how much I missed him.

     In the dream I knew he should be two and a half now. I even commented on it. I questioned if this baby was indeed Sterling. But he hugged me and patted my back just like he used to. He clung to my shirt and wouldn't let me go. He smelled like my baby. So I took him. I put him in the van with his bubbas and we ran.

     When I woke up I was so happy. I almost wonder if Sterling was answering me via this dream. Was he telling me that for him no time has passed? That for him when I see him again he will only feel like he was separated for the time of a nap? Was he telling me he will never forget me just as I will never forget him?

     Its been 18 months since he left his body. 18 months since I held and snuggled him. Yet I can still remember how his chubby thighs feel. How his hugs felt. How he smelled. I will never forget Sterling just as I believe he told me he will never forget me.

     Loving and missing you sweet boy....Always and forever.....

Summer Dreams......

     The year Sterling was born I hired a landscaper. I wanted our backyard to be something the boys and I could enjoy all summer. I had it sodded. A new swing set was put up. I have allergies so I decided it was worth the money to have them mow and do the clean ups. I was so looking forward to the following summer (last summer 2012) of watching my five boys run and play in our yard.

     Last summer was hot and dry and the sod needed more tending then I could manage. Just going out in my backyard was a reminder of what I had dreamed of never becoming a reality. The landscapers would come and want to talk to me about what we could do to save the grass but I could barely listen. Our yard paid the price.

      In the spring and summer and fall of 2011 they would come and Sterling would always be on my hip. Always. Seeing them now would make me think of him in my arms and how he wasn't anymore. Some days the guys would knock on my door to ask me a question and I wouldn't even be able to open the door to them. Too painful.

     Today I called them. I spoke with them. They are at my house doing a Spring cleanup and I actually spoke with them. Today  I am excited about what my yard and home can look like again. I am hopeful for many summer days spent grilling and playing with my boys. It still stings to know that Sterling isn't here to run and play and enjoy it with us physically. But I know as long as his bubbas and I are breathing Sterling is here.

     Always and forever.......

"And a thousand other little things I miss with him gone..."

     There are days when the pain of losing Sterling is so strong that it takes all I have to simply get out of my bed in the morning. Today was one of those days. I miss my baby. I miss him so much I think I will make a list tonight.

1. I miss looking into his giant, love filled brown eyes every day.
2. I miss kissing his chubby cheeks.
3. Who am I kidding? I miss kissing his chubby hands, his chubby feet, his chubby neck and budha belly. I miss kissing and snuggling Sterling every day.
4. I miss hearing him laugh.
5. I miss seeing his big smile.
6. I miss watching him learn new things.
7. I miss his personality (he was a lovable little stinker who loved to tease and was a big Momma's boy).
8. I miss watching his big bubbas love on him and he on them.
9. I miss hearing him trying to talk and learning new words.
10. I miss playing with his hair while he slept in my arms.
11. I miss feeling the weight of him sleeping on my chest.
12. I miss listening to the cadence of his sleeping breath.
13. I miss his hugs. He would pat me on the back and squeeze me right before he would grab my cheeks and give me a big, slobbery kiss.
14. I miss family pictures with five boys.
15. I miss family outings with five boys.
16. I miss leaving the room only to hear him crawling as fast as possible behind me saying "Mom!"
17. I miss his excited face when I came back in the room as he held his hands in the air and said "up"
18. I miss his smell. His sweet, sweet smell of fruit bites and formula and baby sweat and drool.
19. I miss worrying if I was enough for him.
20. I miss our snuggle time at night as I would sing him to sleep.
21. I miss that if I didn't sing him to sleep he would hum himself to sleep.
22. I miss how friendly he was, just as long as he was safe in my arms.

     My list could go on and on and on....I haven't even gotten to the things I miss that he had yet to do. I miss my little guy so much that I feel like I could explode. Today I felt like the water was beginning to rise on me. I felt like I was struggling to keep my nose out of the water and just breath. I think I did ok. I took care of the little people in my life. We played. We laughed. We enjoyed life. Thank God for them.

     And just as we went outside into the sunshine a beautiful white butterfly flew right in our path. He fluttered around and my boys yelled "Sterling!! We love you too Bubba!" I couldn't help but smile. What I would give to see a 2 1/2 year old Sterling running around with his bubbas....

Soul Connections

     Trying to put into words what I witnessed today. Its hard. Its painful. I just want to cry. I want to scream and shout "WHY OUR FAMILY?! WHY MY BOYS?! Why do we have to live with the pain of living with the death of our beloved Sterling??" Yet my mind goes to the wonderful connection my now 5 year old had and continues to have with Sterling. A connection that left me and continues to leave me in awe.

     Sterling and Silas had a connection that the other brothers at times were jealous of. Silas could make Sterling belly laugh by just looking at him and smiling. One of my most favorite memories was just a few weeks before Sterling died. We were driving into Chicago to see Mickey and Minnie Mouse turn on the lights on Michigan Ave. In the backseat as I was driving Silas would just look at Sterling and say "Hey!" and Sterling would laugh so deep. It was that from the tips of his toes all the way up to the top of his head laugh. Then they both just would sit and stare into each others eyes, speaking volumes without saying a word, even holding hands as Sterling fell asleep.

     I always called the two of them my 2 1/2 year apart twins. It was like they were two halves to the same soul. Their connection left me in awe. And when Sterling died and Silas tried waking him up at the visitation....... when he realized he couldn't.......when I had to explain again to my then 3 1/2 year old that his baby brother didn't have any breath, that was the night Silas became very ill. His little body would alternate between moaning and crying and sleeping. He was held by several people at the memorial. I was terrified that Silas was dying too.

     I normally don't post pictures but I have to post this side by side one. Silas with Sterling on one side and today holding our friend's baby. It breaks my heart that my baby has to know this pain. I think at times Silas' grief has been so intense it even scared me.

                                              

     Yet I am forever grateful for Sterling. Forever grateful that we got to have thirteen months, two weeks and six days with him. Grateful that Silas, and all my children, were able to have a baby brother they absolutely adored. Silas and Sterling have taught me that love is eternal. I truly believe those two souls have known and loved each other for many, many years. I cannot wait until we are all reunited and I might have some answers of why?

     But until then I will hold onto the love and the light that was and forever will be Sterling. He is loved and he is missed. Always and forever. And as Silas told us the other night "Sterling lives just beyond those clouds now but he can come see us whenever he wants." Love truly is eternal.