A letter to Sterling on his 3rd birthday.....

Dearest Sterling,

     Today you turn 3. I can't believe it! Three years ago I had begun getting this feeling. It was kind of like a little voice saying "another baby would be nice" even though I had tried so hard to convince myself that I was done. A grown daughter and four young sons was good. But then the nesting started. I know that's what it was now. Three years ago I just wanted to clean everything up and felt a little anxious.

     On October 15 I got a call. They were just letting me know you had been born and I think feeling me out. Quickly the words came out of my mouth "how soon can I see him!" I will never forget going up there and seeing you laying there all alone in the nursery. Your little arm in a diaper because you had an IV. I immediately picked you up. You opened your eyes and in that instant I knew you were my son. I knew when I got the call but seeing you just, well my heart was now yours forever.

     You looked like your bubbas. As you would grow and change I could see each one of them in you more and more. You were the perfect blend of them. You had the best personality! Very Zen. Rarely were you upset. Only when you wanted me and couldn't would you fuss. You and I were very connected on a level that I find hard to explain sometimes. You had that connection with Silas too.

     He was only 2 1/2 when you were born. You looked most like him too. I called you my twins because you just had this bond that your other brothers were sometimes jealous of.  I fell in love on a whole other level watching your bubbas fall in love with you. Starting that first day I brought you home from the hospital. They had waited in the van with Grammy while I went up to spring you. They could barely contain themselves as we got closer. I loved sharing you with them.

     I enjoyed every moment we had together here on Earth. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I never thought I could live without you, sweet boy. Its been hard. I can't believe you left your body almost 2 years ago. I can't believe our family has survived. I can't believe I ever thought you left me. You didn't. You have been here all along.

     I long to hold you like I used to. But there are nights when I smell you, have a memory flash right before my eyes of you, of your smile. And then I feel you in my arms. I close my eyes and I feel you sitting in my lap, your head on my chest. We rock in the rocking chair and I get to feel you again. I would give anything for your death to be some nightmare I can wake up from. But I can't. And I am so grateful for those moments I got to have with you.

     This year the babies born today at the same hospital you were will go home with a Lovey and a little education on CHD's. They are beautiful and soft! You would love them!! And the designs are giraffes!! Just like your favorite Sophie!! I would love to be having your birthday party Sterling. I would love to be overspending and spoiling you today. Instead the babies who share your birthday will get a little gift. We also donated a few bags of new socks and underwear to the homeless kids in our community in your honor. And tonight our family will once again be letting some lanterns go. The weather is much better tonight then last year so I am super excited to see them all light up the night sky for you.

     You were and are an amazing son. I always felt so lucky to be your mom. I miss you. I miss everything about you. But I know you never left me. Please come visit me in my dreams again soon sweet boy. You are loved and you are missed, always and forever......

                    Love,

                    Mom

Capture Your Giref: Day 3 Myths

     There are so many myths associated with grieving. So many. I heard I would never be happy again. My life was over. The one that hurt the most was hearing that I should be happy that my son was with God now. That I shouldn't question God. That He has a higher plan and I should be happy and content in that belief.

     I question everything now. I don't believe my son is in some far off place with God. mainly because I don't believe God is in some far off place. I believe my son and God are everywhere. And that includes right here with me.

     I feel Sterling in the cool Fall breeze just as I felt him in the warm summer winds. I see him in the beauty of each changing season. I feel him everywhere. I see him in his brother's faces. Hear him in their laughter. When a butterfly circles around us and seems to kiss us. When the birds stop and seem to stare right into our eyes and hold it for what feels like forever. And when I close my eyes I can feel my baby in my arms. I feel his head resting on my chest. I swear I can hear him breathing at times.

     I truly feel God is around me too. God is in the beauty of this wonderful Earth He created. And I think God can handle my questions. He can handle my hurt feelings and my anger. My son is dead. I will question everything until I don't need to anymore.

Capture your Giref: Day 2 Identity

      Sterling Isaac is my son's name. He is my fifth son and I had a hard time finding the perfect name for him. Sterling was a name I had contemplated using for his older brother. I am so grateful I didn't because it really fit his personality well. Finding a middle name was much harder and I prayed often over what middle name my son should have. During one of these moments with Sterling in my arms the name Isaac came to me. As I looked down and my perfect baby sleeping in my arms I whispered "Sterling Isaac" and knew that was his name.

     Sterling means "of the highest quality" and Isaac is "one who laughs." I never really looked up the meaning of either until after Sterling died. I remember a friend emailing me and telling me how perfect his name was for him because he had the biggest, brightest smile and was such a happy baby. She was right. Sterling smiled often and feely and everyone, especially if he was in my arms. The world was always a great place from Mom's arms.

     Sterling had the biggest brown eyes that would just draw anyone and everyone in. People gravitated to him and would comment on his eyes and his smile. He was so loved by his siblings and he knew it. He would just make a little "ugh" sound and they would come running with "what do you need Bubba?!" and Sterling would smile and giggle. It was always such a treat for me to watch my children dote on him. Sterling made me fall in love with each one of my children all over again each time I watched the love and care between them.

     Sterling was chunky and funny and happy and amazing. He was the perfect baby of the family. Very Zen in nature. He was happy as long as Mommy was holding him or nearby while he explored his world. He rarely fussed unless he didn't feel well or if he was hungry or needed to be changed. Sterling was and will always be, Love.   

Confused but finding my way....

     Sterling's 3rd birthday is in a few weeks. I cannot believe it. It feels like yesterday I was going up to the hospital to meet him for the first time. Love at first sight! I cherished every moment with Sterling and even knowing this pain of living without him in his physical body, I would choose to be his mom again and again. This pain is because of the great love we shared. I would rather live with the pain then to have never known and loved him.

     I have been working on a project with the hospital on a memorial project to raise awareness for CHD's on his birthday. Its been emotionally draining and yet at the very same time it giving me hope. Its making me look forward to his birthday this year. Its giving me something good to do again on a day that should be celebrated.  The day that Sterling Isaac came into the world. It was a very joyous time for me, for his sissy and his bubbas. For our whole family. Sterling was and continues to be a cherished, adored and loved little boy.

     I just wish he was physically here for me to hold and see. I wonder what his voice would sound like today? I wonder what his hair would feel like? I wonder if he would still be chunky? Or would he have thinned out? I wonder if his personality would still be the sweetest or would he have some sass? I wonder if he would still be a Momma's boy? I wonder if everyone would still be drawn to him? I wonder so many things that I will never know.

     I am tying to figure out how to live in this place of not knowing. I have ideas of who Sterling would be today but I really don't know. Its just like I have ideas of where Sterling is right now but I don't have concrete knowledge. I am the person who typically needs the concrete. My faith has been shaken and I am still trying to get it back. I don't trust anything anymore. Life is so unpredictable. I have struggled and I know I have shared often on here. I have moments where I feel like my faith is coming back, but then I have moments when it feels lost once again. Add in my PTSD and it can be a recipe for disaster if those around me don't understand it all. And being honest, most around me just don't get it. Being honest I really hope they never do.

     This just makes me feel even more alone and lost. I really am confused. Yes, still as we are coming up on the two year mark of Sterling's death. Yes. I am able to do much more today then last year at this time. I can tell his story without always crying uncontrollably. I can talk about Sterling with a smile on my face instead of tears. But inside I am still hurting. And I am ok with that. My son is dead. I watched him take his last breath. I had begged everyone and anyone who would listen to let my son live. I begged him not to leave me. I pleaded with God. And yet I held my son as he left his body. I held him and watched as his body changed with death. I kissed and held that body, still hoping they were all wrong. Still hoping my eyes were lying to me. So why wouldn't I be hurting and confused?

     I am so thankful for all the opportunities and friendships that Sterling's death has gifted me. I truly am. And I am growing tired of talking about Sterling's death. I am hopeful that this is from me healing. I am hopeful that in another year I will be able to go out with friends and not feel an immense tug at my soul making me feel like going home and retreating under the covers. I am hopeful that in another year I will be able to not feel so torn when I am being gifted a friendship or an opportunity. I am hopeful that I can feel the sadness and embrace it and in it still find the joy. I have begun to do this but it takes so much work for me and it drains me. Will life ever not be so much work again? And do I want it to be anything less?

     So I will continue to live while my youngest son will only live on in each one of us. I will continue to try to find my way in a world that seems so unpredictable now. In a world that I see so much more meaning in the things that most people do not. I will continue to try to figure out where I belong and who I am now. I will continue to raise awareness in hopes that another family doesn't know what any of this is like. I will continue to be grateful for the gifts Sterling brought us in life and continues to bring us in death. I will be grateful for my life and for all of those who see my brokenness and love me anyway.

Change is hard....

     September is here. Fall is near. Back to school. Pumpkin Patches and Apple Orchards. Crisp air. And Sterling. Sterling was born on October 13, 2010. His birth made my favorite season all the more special. I love Fall. Having grown up in Southern California without ever really seeing leaves change colors and fall off the trees, I really and truly loved every Fall since moving to the Midwest.

      I noticed a feeling in me starting at the end of the summer. I felt a distinct change when school started. I began feeling a little dread. Nothing like last year, but its there. Then last weekend, Labor Day weekend, I decided that the little boys needed big boy beds. They had been sleeping in their own beds before Sterling died. After Sterling's death they refused to sleep in their beds anymore. I couldn't handle them being in a different room from me either so I let them sleep with me, I was barely sleeping anyway. But now they are older, both in school all day and just physically getting bigger. So we went to Target to shop for new bedding and then to the furniture store for new beds.

      I noticed that I was very short with everyone all weekend. I had that fight or flight feeling in my chest. As I began taking pictures of the old beds and then taking them down and putting up the new beds it hit me. Their beds had remained unchanged since that last night we all slept in our own beds, the last night Sterling slept in our home. I was changing the bedroom all three little boys shared. As soon as I acknowledged my feelings the flood of tears came. And then peace.

      The boys were excited to sleep in their beds. They fell asleep within minutes. I was left in the silence of the room to talk to my sweet Sterling. His crib is still up. The boys don't want it taken down, I don't either. Its crazy. I know. But we have put away many of Sterling's things. We have even begun changing and redecorating our home. But his crib? No one in our home is ready to take it down.  Once we take that down there will be nothing of his left up in our home.

      His pictures will always be everywhere in our home. But all his clothing, his strollers, his high chair, his bottles....they have all been safely packed away. With each item we pack away we realize that the item is special to us, but it is not Sterling. Sterling is here in our home because he is here in our hearts, forever. He lives on in each one of us.

      When the boys have a project about themselves I have to talk them out of filling their poster boards with pictures of Sterling. When they see a giraffe or a butterfly, they immediately say "Hi Sterling!! Love you Bubba!" When Silas picked out bedding with an Africa scene because of the giraffe. All of these things remind me that Sterling is still very much alive in each one of us.

     So as we get closer to Fall. Closer to the day that would've been Sterling's third birthday. I can sit quietly, pumpkin spiced latte in hand, and feel my baby all around me. I will never stop missing him. I will never stop wondering who he would be today. But I know he never left me. And I live each day with hope that one day the veil will drop and I will see my baby again. Until then, there is always hope.

    

"Me too"

     Today while getting the boys ready for school I noticed something shiny in my 9 year old's ear. He has Autism and he needs constant supervision. A quick look in his ear and I see a bead. So I decide to take him to immediate care figuring we will be done in an hour and off to school he will go. Oh, to be so lucky.

     They got us in quickly. They got the bead out quickly. As they get it he says "there's another one in there. Its green." The doctor looks in and sure enough, there is another one!! And its deep. He is fighting us now. We try for a few hours, with breaks in between so he could calm down. It was ugly. He punched me. I struggled to help hold him down. And they couldn't get it out. So they sent us to the emergency room.

     This is the same emergency room where Sterling was taken on December 1, 2011. Its big though. So at first we were put were non-emergency patients are. No where near that room. But they couldn't get it either. And so they send us back to the more serious area. And my body knew. I could feel it. I just knew I was near that room where Sterling's heart started after 45 minutes of working on him. I began to cry. Not hard, thankfully. So the staff really had no idea. They thought I was upset about my 9 year old.

     As I sat with my son, my mind kept flashing to seeing my baby on that gurney.  I kept seeing me rush into the room and beg him to stay. All the sounds, all the smells. I couldn't stop remembering that December day. My soul hurt. I sat with my living son, holding him and trying to keep him calm. While my heart kept racing and my body shivered remembering my angel son. A rough day.

     At the end of our time in the emergency room we were told he needed to be seen by ENT. They were not going to be able to get the bead out without sedation. Its deep in his ear. There is a lot of blood. There may even be hearing loss. We won't know for certain until after surgery and healing and testing.

     But I decided that I was going to take away the power of that hospital emergency room. I decided it wasn't going to have any more power over me. Sterling isn't in that room anymore. The worst thing that could happen already did. So as we were leaving I went to that room. I stood at the doorway. I stared until it didn't take my breath away anymore.  Then I quietly walked out of the hospital with my son. Got in my car. And sobbed. And he began tearing up as well. And I told him. I told him I was sad because that is where Sterling was. That is where Sterling died. I told him I was crying because I just miss him so much. And my Autistic 9 year old, who some "experts" say isn't capable of grieving. Well, tears in his eyes he whispered "yes me too."

     We then went home. Ate some food. And I worked out hard with my trainer and then in Zumba class. I still have no idea where the energy came from. But this Momma is beat and ready to get some rest now.

    

    

Little Pieces Of You.....

     I haven't blogged in a while. Life has been busy. Tried to get in all the last minute fun with the boys before school started. Then it was getting ready for school. And then school started. I've decided to make some changes in my work as well that will leave my days more open and free for my boys. I was scared to make such a change in my life. But yet I just felt it was time.

     One of the many gifts Sterling has given me is the knowledge that life is fragile and life is short. I never look back and regret any of the time I spent being Sterling's mom. His life was a gift and I knew it from the moment he was placed in my arms. I cherished my time with him and I look at his smile in his pictures and I know he lived a rich, full life.

     I was in such shock for so many months following his death that, although I was physically with my boys, my mind was often not. I would say even today I tend to not always be fully present with my boys. I was looking at Sterling's picture albums one day when I realized how little his bubbas were in all the pictures. I looked up and saw four little boys who aren't so little anymore. I panicked a little. I don't want them to grow up without me being present in their lives.

     I feel like I have spent the last twenty months and twenty days consumed with Sterling. First in the hospital with him trying to will him to be healed. Then the months I spent begging God to give him back. Then more time trying to find a new normal. Now I just look at my boys and think that maybe I missed something? What if I did? I mean my youngest before Sterling, he was just three when Sterling died. He is now five and in all day kindergarten! He no longer needs me like he used to. And I am sad.

     All of my boys have grown and changed so much. And I was in a fog for most of it. I don't want to be anymore. I know grief can be a beast. I know I will never stop missing my sweet boy. I will never stop wishing his death was just a dream. I will always long for Sterling. But I can see little pieces of him in each of his bubbas.

     I can see him in their smiles, in the love in their eyes when we talk about Sterling. I see him in their awe at new life adventures. I see him in them when they love on a friend's baby with that look of longing and love. I hear him in their laughter. I feel him in their tears. Sterling is forever a part of each one of us. And each one of us will carry him with us each day. Through us he will live on. Through us new friends will fall in love with his broad smile and giant, love filled brown eyes.

     And I may not be able to parent Sterling the way I had envisioned when I held him in my arms. But each moment I have parenting and enjoying his bubbas is like I am having that moment with him as well. And I just don't want to not be there for those moments. I need to be there for those moments. For myself. For the bubbas. And for Sterling.

     Sterling's 3rd birthday is coming up. I have a small project I am working on with the hospital where he was born and where he died. I can't wait to write that post and share that experience with everyone. Sterling will hopefully touch the hearts of all the parents of the little ones born on his birthday this year.